As we acknowledge Men's Mental Health Month this June, I, a male psychotherapist, feel compelled to share my thoughts and experiences with you. Men's mental health problems are on the rise and we need to talk more openly about this. This is not an attempt to sway your beliefs or dictate your actions, but rather a humble sharing for those who are willing to listen.
Men's mental health is often shrouded in stigma, influenced by societal expectations that shape our very beings. These expectations define the way we develop, and we each navigate this emotional landscape uniquely. Yet, a common thread binds us together: the tendency to bury our struggles, numb the pain, and soldier on.
It has taken me time to understand this inclination, both in myself and in the men I work with. Why do we default to suppressing our emotions? It's a survival instinct ingrained in us through generations of conditioning. We've learned to mask our vulnerabilities, to avoid being perceived as weak, in a bid to survive in a world that values strength above all else.
But here's the paradox - this survival strategy doesn't push us to be our best selves; it merely compels us not to be the weakest link. The survival of the fittest narrative doesn't motivate us to be the fittest; it only motivates us not to be the weakest. We've internalized the belief that showing weakness is synonymous with failure, a notion that hinders our growth and perpetuates a cycle of silent suffering.
I won't sit here and tell you that your weakness is your strength (even though I genuinely believe it) because I know how challenging it is for men to even admit there is a weakness. It takes years of therapy to actually see that as a strength. Statements like this can sometimes hurt men's approach to mental health rather than help it. Only someone who has allowed themselves to be weak and grown from it can recognize that weakness is strength, and we can't expect someone who rarely allows themselves to be weak to understand this.
Therapy offers a space to embrace our vulnerabilities, to acknowledge our humanity in all its facets. It's a journey of self-discovery, where we learn that strength lies in our ability to confront our weaknesses, not in hiding them behind a facade of false bravado. Being weak and vulnerable is what makes us human because pain and suffering are core elements of our humanity. It's your choice if you don't want to show the world that side of you, and I understand that. Trust me, I know how harsh society can be towards men who show weakness, but that doesn't mean we should suppress that and lie to ourselves about what we actually feel.
What troubles me most is how we, as men, treat those who dare to show their vulnerability. The tendency to resort to aggression, shaming, and ridicule only perpetuates the toxic narrative of masculinity that stifles genuine connection and healing. If we shame people that show weakness, we automatically look like (or feel like) we are stronger than them - that justifies why we feel like we can survive. Society makes things hard enough as it is, and we are only enabling this judgment by participating in it.
It's time to break free from these destructive patterns, to cultivate empathy and understanding towards ourselves and others. We must resist the urge to judge those who choose a different path of self-expression, for each of us is on a unique journey of growth and self-acceptance. If it's not in your character to admit your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, that's okay, but don't judge others on what you are not willing to accept.
While I don't expect this letter to effect immediate change, my hope is that it stirs something within you - a longing for introspection, a desire for emotional well-being that can be explored in your own time and pace. I compared how the survival instinct has become a defense mechanism - the thing about defense mechanisms is that they are valid and serve a purpose when they were needed. The problem is that since we found comfort in the fact that they served a purpose, we continue going through our life using that mechanism as a standard because if it helped us once, then it will help us again. However, this can be very problematic. That defense mechanism could be impeding us from growing because we are living with a mechanism from our past.
Does this mean we need to let go of these mechanisms that make us feel safe? Definitely not. What we need is to modify them and update them to make them valid for us today.
May this reflection serve as a beacon of hope, a reminder that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but a testament to our shared humanity. When you are ready, the journey towards healing and self-discovery awaits.
Sincerely,
A Male Psychotherapist
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