Being a parent is one of life's greatest joys and challenges, but for parents of children with special needs, the responsibilities can sometimes feel overwhelming. Juggling the demands of caregiving, household chores, work, and personal needs often leaves little time for self-care or pursuing personal interests. In the midst of this chaos, it's easy for parents to lose sight of their own identities and needs.
However, there's a simple yet powerful exercise that can help parents regain balance and prioritize self-care: role division and reflection. This technique, often used in therapy settings such as gestalt therapy, involves identifying the various roles we play in our lives and examining the balance between external demands and internal needs within each role (Brown & Farris, 2014; Clarkson, 2003; Coren, 2016).
To illustrate how this exercise works, let's consider the example of a mother of a child with special needs who also identifies as an artist. She may find herself constantly immersed in the role of caregiver, attending to her child's needs and managing household tasks. While these external demands are important, they can sometimes overshadow her internal need for creative expression and self-care.
To begin the exercise, the mother would list all her roles on a sheet of paper, including "Mother" and "Artist." She would then divide each role into two parts: external wants and internal needs. For instance, as a mother, her external wants might include attending to her child's therapy appointments and ensuring their safety, while her internal needs could involve carving out time for herself and pursuing her passion for art.
Instructions for the exercises & Example
1. Write down all the "roles" that you feel like you have, and also the ones that you feel like you have not got in touch with for a long time. Take your time with this as it might be easy to miss out on roles that are dear to you or maybe even forgotten
2. Divide each role into two parts.
A. External Wants
B. Internal Needs
3. Take your time to get in touch with each role and list down any important demands or needs that this role is providing. I will provide a generic example for you after these points.
4. After you have completed your list in all roles, take a step back and look at them objectively. How do they look? Which roles are overwhelmed with information and which ones are lacking? Which ones have too many demands or too many needs? Or not enough ?
5. Although this exercise won't help you solve anything, it will hopefully give you a clearer picture of the roles you have and the balance between these roles. It will show you the roles that are prominent and overworked vs the roles that are distant and need more work. This way you can prioritize the energy and time you spend on certain roles and maybe dedicate a bit more of that time and energy to roles that need more attention :)
Here is an example of how you can use this for the Mother role and the Artist role with some reflective questions at the end
Role: Mother
External Wants:
Spending quality time with the children and nurturing their emotional development
Providing enriching experiences and opportunities for the children
Maintaining a clean and organized household for the family's comfort
Participating in social activities and events with other parents and families
Fulfilling societal expectations of what constitutes a "good" mother
Internal Needs:
Carving out personal time for self-care and relaxation to maintain well-being
Pursuing interests and hobbies outside of motherhood to nurture personal identity
Seeking support from friends, family, or a support group to navigate parenting challenges
Setting boundaries to ensure own needs are met alongside those of the children
Reflecting on values and priorities as a parent to align actions with beliefs
Role: Artist
External Wants:
Sharing artwork with others and receiving validation or recognition for talent
Collaborating with other artists or participating in art exhibitions or events
Having access to resources and materials that facilitate artistic practice
Engaging with an audience or community who appreciates work
Being financially compensated for art, if desired
Internal Needs:
Carving out dedicated time and space for creative expression and exploration
Cultivating a sense of flow and inspiration in artistic process
Using art as a means of self-expression and personal growth
Finding fulfillment and joy in the act of creating without external pressures or expectations
Connecting with inner voice and intuition through artistic practice
Reflection Questions:
How do the external wants as a mother align with internal needs for self-care and personal fulfillment?
What external wants in the role as an artist are prioritized over internal needs for creative expression?
How can a balance be struck between fulfilling external wants and nurturing internal needs in both roles?
What adjustments can be made to ensure that actions align with values and priorities as both a mother and an artist?
Through reflection, the mother may realize that while she devotes a significant amount of time to meeting external demands as a caregiver, she neglects her internal need for creative expression. This imbalance can lead to feelings of burnout and resentment over time.
By acknowledging these imbalances, the mother can then brainstorm solutions to prioritize self-care and artistic pursuits. This might involve setting boundaries with caregiving responsibilities, seeking support from family or professionals, or scheduling regular art sessions as a form of self-care.
This exercise is not just for parents of children with special needs; it can benefit any parent who struggles to find balance between caregiving and personal needs. By taking the time to reflect on our roles and prioritize self-care, we can become better parents and role models for our children.
As Polster and Polster (1973) eloquently stated, "In each of us there is another whom we do not know" (p. 15). Understanding the different selves within us can provide insight into the balance between external demands and internal needs.
It's important to note that this exercise is not a substitute for professional therapy, but rather a simple tool that anyone can use to gain insight into their own lives. If you're feeling overwhelmed or struggling to find balance, consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor for additional support.
In conclusion, finding balance as a parent is essential for both our well-being and the well-being of our children. By practicing role division and reflection, we can take steps towards reclaiming our identities and prioritizing self-care in our busy lives.
References:
Brown, N., & Farris, C. (2014). The Handbook of Gestalt Play Therapy: Practical Guidelines for Child Therapists. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Clarkson, P. (2003). The Therapeutic Relationship. Whurr Publishers.
Coren, S. (2016). What Is Gestalt Therapy? 7 Key Concepts and Interventions Explained. PositivePsychology.com.
Polster, E., & Polster, M. (1973). Gestalt therapy integrated: Contours of theory and practice. Vintage Books.
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